I fell down the well

There really are no other words for it.

When the depression takes hold, I feel like — even at my lowest point — I can still handle the loneliness, the melancholy. I have coping mechanisms to distract me until the neurons in my brain start firing right again and the mood passes. But when the depression is coupled with extreme anxiety, it’s very easy to just let myself sink — which I’ve done too often, and, indeed, I did that for the majority of April and May.

There are many reasons but the majority of the anxiety came from the fact that graduation was looming. Barring any (un)natural disasters, as of June 12, I will have an MA in Writing and Publishing. It’s a tremendous accomplishment — I’ll be one of only three people in my family that have one — and it’s something I worked for more than three years to get (including the time I spent preparing applications for MA and MFA programs).

It also brought back memories (and feelings) of when I graduated with my BA and came home to pretty desperate straits — where I was interning, then freelance writing, working part-time jobs and still couldn’t afford rent for an apartment, where my sense of self-worth plummeted to its lowest point.

My circumstances are vastly different from what they were but recognizing those differences with a rational mind doesn’t always drive away irrational feelings. At my worst moments I couldn’t tell myself “it will be all right. You have a job, you have people that love you and you are not going to end up on the street.” This awful sinking feeling I had just would not let me go and it’s only just beginning to lift now.

So, how to deal with it: I’m keeping on with my crafting. I’m keeping on with talking to my counselor, my work and university resources and my wife, directly addressing what’s bothering me and dealing with overcoming it *in that moment* rather than forever (which is massively overreaching). I’m very lucky to have the support that I do, especially when things like this pull me under. And with that support, I can prepare (and hope) so that the next time won’t be quite as bad.

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~ by blackmoodcraft on June 4, 2011.

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