Breaking the stillness…

It isn’t always a tragedy that makes a wall fall on you. Sometimes depression and anxiety don’t need a reason. Sometimes the impetus is as benign as a brain momentarily free of distraction — and only for that too-short moment.

I’ve got a second job now in addition to the first and I have two freelance jobs lined up through the end of April. Two weeks of working doubles with very few breaks and exhaustion slammed into me. In those brief moments when I wasn’t writing or posing for art students or making coffee, I didn’t truly relax. Instead I reverted into a kind of catatonic stupor — not moving but always thinking about the next day of work ahead, planning, anticipating, regretting the handful of things I hadn’t accomplished that day, running on the same continuous, ever-diminishing charge. And worrying that if I truly unwound, I wouldn’t be able to get up again.

I prefer the stupors to the the trips down the well. But of course letting your brain and your body engage in a game of chicken is no way to keep yourself healthy. Eventually my body won out — by powering down completely and dropping me (quite literally) into thirteen straight hours of sleep. Fortunately it happened on the one day I didn’t have to be anywhere. But everyday can’t be like that (example: I haven’t had a day off since).

I’ve talked about wanting stillness of mind in moments where my anxiety threatens to shove me off a cliff. But the stillness brought on by exhaustion isn’t truly relaxing or peaceful — and mixed with depression or anxiety, it can become paralysis.

So instead of tying myself into knots the past few weeks, I opted to start knitting a new scarf, work on some doll stencils, make a new pendant, paint my new coffee cup — things that required my hands and my mind to be engaged but not overly active.

So far so good.

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~ by blackmoodcraft on March 19, 2012.

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