Welcome to October

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I told the universe that I was tired of missing people. In retrospect, that may have been my first mistake.

A brief non-sequitur: I discovered Twin Peaks the summer I turned 17, the same summer I began studying Buddhism. There’s a certain symmetry to that, given David Lynch’s devotion to Transcendental Meditation, and a certain symmetry to Twin Peaks: The Return airing the summer I turned 34, a whole lifetime later.

While The Return was a decent distraction, this past summer was a continuation of the general theme of the year — nailing down what I can before this particularly virulent strain of illegitimate conservatives in high places try to take it. The sad thing is we can only prepare for so much and strive to be proactive instead of reactive. But, with so little energy leftover at the end of the day, doing the things that make me happy and keep my brain away from the edge of self-immolation has been difficult.

August brought new difficulties. Bobbie, the friend I made many Star Trek and Doctor Who-themed crafts for over the years, died on August 10. He went to sleep and never woke up. A month has gone by and I still can’t fathom it. I have lived most of this past year in anticipation of death or mourning the deaths of others — in addition to Bobbie, I lost two other friends, all my age or close to it — but this still took me by surprise. It hasn’t hit me yet and it probably won’t for quite a while.

I spent September sleepwalking through a lot of tasks and interactions. Mostly human, but not completely. Dale Cooper’s (and David Bowie’s) proclamation of “We live inside a dream” feels a lot like my reality most days.

So, what to do? Well, the usual. Meditate, cross stitch, refrain from shouting where you can.

Solutions that center my consciousness and keep me grounded come from sticking to small tasks: give a bit more, watch the news a little less obsessively, focus on the small details in smaller projects. More to come.

In the meantime, there’s always coffee.

~ by blackmoodcraft on October 1, 2017.

2 Responses to “Welcome to October”

  1. I’m sorry for your loss.

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